To the Ones I’ve Loved before (P 4.5)

This post begins me finally beginning to get a liiiiiiitle nsfw! Now I feel like I’ve broken the seal on it and can start writing more about what I really want to!

All I knew at the beginning was that he took a hard stance against his girlfriend hooking up with anybody else. She definitely wasn’t allowed, no way, no how. Don’t look at any other girls, don’t think about any other girls, don’t think about looking at any other girls.

Until, he began to bend his rules on that. Let’s call them Anna and Luke. Anna was (still is) one of my best friends and had been since we were 12 years old. I would spend every day over those middle school summers at her house, both in her basement watching movies and in her pool getting burnt. We would fling ourselves from the pool and lay on the deck to dry off as to not face the wrath of her mother, lest we drip any water in her pristine dining room.

Luke’s upbringing was a stark contrast. His mother is loving and kind and wants only what’s best for everybody who comes into that house. She greets everybody who enters with the same love and joy and acceptance and invites you to make yourself at home. When Anna started dating Luke she spent so much time there and I admit I grew jealous. I knew that Anna and I could never have the fun, no strings attached, relationship we had shared in high school but I was so starved for acceptance and intimacy I spent all my days hoping for it anyway.

Until Easter 2013, I had resigned myself to this. But that day something happened that it turns out would change everything. Anna had invited me over to Luke’s, where she would be spending the night, to drink and watch Netflix and just engage in general debauchery. The three of us piled onto Luke’s bed in a tangle and legs and clinked bottle after bottle of Smirnoff Ice together and wasted several hours drinking and getting progressively closer and closer.

Then Luke started talking. He started asking Anna if she thought I looked pretty, and if she ever thought about kissing me. I was so drunk at this point that I hardly even realized that he was talking about me, even though my head was in Anna’s lap and Luke’s hands were running up and down my legs. I had just finally escaped from a three month long manipulative and abusive pseudo-relationship and the gentle affection was intoxicating. I hardly remember how the rest happened. Anna’s face was so close to mine and Luke had one hand wrapped in my hair and the other hand in hers. Anna whispered at the last second, “Is this okay? You can say no if you want to.” I shook my head and Luke pushed her down to meet my lips. He made a low guttural “hmm” noise as he watched us.

The rest is a real and true blur. My shirt was pulled down, and then it was pulled off. Lips were on my neck, then they weren’t, then they were different lips. Anna and I were lying on the bed, and then Luke and I were lying on the bed. Even though we were all moving together every time Luke kissed me or focused on me I felt wrong. I felt like I was betraying Anna by lying there with her boyfriend. Then Anna undid the button on my jeans and I froze. I don’t know if what happened I consider a flashback, but suddenly I had the feeling that something was going to go horribly wrong. I had fresh cuts on my legs that hadn’t quite healed yet and the trauma of the last few months flooding my vision. So I started crying, and everything stopped.

Intoxicated consent issues aside, everything stopped when I said the word. Luke jumped up and put his clothes on to get me a glass of water and Anna rubbed my back until my breathing returned to normal. Luke came back and took his spot back on the bed where his hand joined Anna’s on my back. After a bit Anna got up to get dressed and Luke pulled me into his lap like a child. He rocked me and shushed me and kept repeating over and over again “This is a safe place for you Katie, you’re safe here.” He had no idea how badly I needed to hear that.

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