To the ones I’ve loved before (P.4)

I’ll always have a special place in my heart for the girl who turned me gay. Now of course I’m being hyperbolic and nobody can actually turn anybody else gay, gay isn’t a choice blah blah blah. But there’s definitely something to be said for that one friend you have who is totally down to platonically make out.

In my case I knew exactly what was going to happen. We were 16 and I had been thinking about kissing a girl, and more, pretty much constantly for a couple of years now. It was the main subject of all my teenage fantasies and more often than not the one thing that sent me right over the edge. I wasn’t sure that she would be the one who would also be good for it, but I guess something in me hoped it would be true. I’ve already written a bit about how this all went down (ha..) but I’ve tried not to think too much about what happened after.

The summer after high school ended we both found ourselves heartbrokenly single, her more so than me. I was pretty readily admitting I was into girls but she only was to me. And I was crushing hard. I was catching more feelings than I knew what to do with, tossing them back at her only to have her look confused when they landed at her feet.  She would tell me about the girl she had a crush on and all the cuddles she was getting from this girl and I wept. Admitting my feelings to her in a late night facebook chat with my favorite razor blade sitting next to me ended up being the thing that caused us not to speak for several months.  She told me she loved me, but wasn’t ready for that. That night was full of relapses for me. I had a feeling she thought we were all fun and games, but she was just scared.

Three months later I stumbled drunk into my dorm bathroom with my phone.  I had been losing all my problems in a cup of vanilla vodka and diet coke and I sent one text “Don’t you miss me at all?” The reply hurt and relieved me;

“More than you know”

That was it, she was back, best friends again.

Over the next few years physical entanglements came and went. I became involved with her and her boyfriend for a time and learned that I could easily be kept by another couple and feel fulfilled in that. I learned that the “third” was my favorite way to participate in a threesome. I learned that I was better at oral sex than her boyfriend (a sexual compliment I still hold as my proudest). I also learned how to love her again, but the right way. I learned that we were nearly the same kind of submissive, and therefore in my head, would never have worked as a monogamous couple without a dom to keep us in line. She’s an enabler. She took me to buy my first pack of cigarettes, she took me to my first pride event and my first sex toy shop, and to get my first tattoo.

This will be a short one; I’m finding it more difficult to write about her than I thought it was going to be. I’ve been through more with her than with any of my other friends and it shows. I am fiercely protective of her and her emotions and her heart. I feel that I know what she deserves and when she deserves better. I’ve made myself an enemy in her current girlfriend because of our history, and my disregard for pretty much all shame. Somehow we come out of every conflict stronger. We fall in and out of each others personal circles and remain close through it all. She’ll be in my life forever and I’ll be in hers. I thank her, and appreciate everything she’s done for me for me in helping me accept and celebrate myself. She’s one who is always on my side, unfalteringly. She’ll never play devil’s advocate with me, she’ll just be there for me. She’s true and good, and flawed and sad and a perfect friend for me in a lot of ways. We never thought about the consequences of those silly breathless nights in her basement all those years ago but I’ll never regret them, or think back on them with nothing but chuckles and blushes. Here’s to the platonic make out friend, they really are the best.

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