A Playlist for You

For You

  1. Never be what you want by We Are the In Crowd
  2. Summer is Over by Jon McLaughlin feat. Sara Bareilles
  3. White Houses by Vanessa Carlton
  4. 9 Crimes by Damien Rice
  5. Begin Again by Taylor Swift
  6. The Silence by Mayday Parade
  7. Tell me I’m a Wreck by Every Avenue
  8. I and Love and You by The Avett Brothers
  9. 12 Through 15 by Mayday Parade
  10. The Scientist by Coldplay

 

Quick post for tonight!

Hi loves ❤

I have been woefully absent this month and I am sorry about that.  I’ve been working both my jobs totaling at about 50 hours a week, which isn’t too much for two jobs, but it’s really been wearing on me.  It’s been a lot of late nights back to back with early mornings and a lot of arguing with my girlfriend about how we don’t spend any time together anymore.

We’ve been going through something lately and we aren’t super sure how to fix it.  There’s a gentleness and a sweetness missing from our relationship that we’re trying to get back.

I’m sure I’ll be properly back with posts soon.  I have a few depression diaries started (but not finished of course as is the nature of the thing) and also a kink identities and BDSM post half done as well so I’ll try to be back to at least one a week for the next few weeks until life slows down a little bit.

In other news I think I’m applying for both a promotion at work and also grad school! Exciting things hopefully so we’ll see where all that goes.

Love you all, see you soon

Katie ❤

Self Esteem so Low

Today I received a Facebook message that nearly brought me to tears. It was from an acquaintance at work I recently got much closer to who is moving to Washington for a job opportunity. On her last day she wrote all of us coworkers a card to put in our mailboxes. In my card she wrote about how I am such a positive light and how she always loved going to me if she was sad or in a bad mood because I always cheered her up.

I was honestly floored. I couldn’t believe how sweet that was. I am notorious for not being able to think of a single good thing about myself when asked.

When I was 16 I had to go through a pretty intense psychological evaluation where, after a four-hour period I was given a final survey. As part of that survey I was asked to list my favorite things about myself, and I left it blank. When the psychologist went over my results with my mother after coming to the conclusion that I was not autistic (obviously) and did not have ADHD or any other learning difficulty (again, obviously), she mentioned this question as something “concerned” her. I had no idea why we were even discussing it so I just shrugged. “I just don’t think it’s a big deal, I know I’m not that great.” Tears immediately filled my mother’s eyes as she exclaimed “You’re amazing honey!” The sudden emotion was intensely uncomfortable for me to see as my mom and I both felt and hid our emotions similarly.

Since then I have become more comfortable accepting compliments and the like. However I still don’t really believe them? I know this isn’t an uncommon issue. Now at 23 I can recognize when I’m good at something and accept recognition for that. In high school I sat second clarinet and first bass clarinet. I placed “excellent” or better in all competitions and gathered a rather large collection of medals and awards. I knew objectively I was good at music and could show and prove that. But still whenever anybody says anything good about me, as a person, I panic. I never have any idea what to say if someone talks about my heart or my positivity or how I radiate light and love and give my whole heart to whatever I do. I never know what to say when my girlfriend lists things she loves about me and my looks or abilities are nowhere on that list (although she appreciates those too).

About two months ago I went to a work going away party for one of our managers. After a few drinks a coworker mentioned how I was such a warm welcoming person and how happy she was to work with me and I nearly dissolved into tears again.

Why is this such a silly ridiculous thing? Why can I not just hear a compliment or a good thing and accept it. Why is it such a problem and such an emotional thing for me? This, unfortunately, isn’t something I think I can blame on my childhood. I remember so little of it that when I think about whether or not I was given any compliments I come up empty. But maybe that isn’t true? Maybe I just don’t remember, maybe the beautiful days are just hidden away somewhere. I hope that’s true. Maybe those things can come out in therapy.

I love to have things to blame my dad for. I genuinely do not remember a time where he sat me down and told me he was proud of me, or admired anything I did. He brought me to my rehearsals for philharmonic but never to my concerts or other performances. I did the majority of my practicing at school as to not bother him with my squawking and squealing. I never really knew if it would amount to anything, or if I would ever amount to anything.

I never knew if the good things about me would shine enough to make a difference in anybody’s life. I work so hard to be the person that other people see. I work so hard to be approachable and kind and loving. I want to radiate love and light and acceptance. Maybe according to my friend’s card I’m succeeding, but I’ll still never stop trying.  I thanked her for her card in a facebook message and she told me that my positivity was contagious and to never lose that.  I’ll try so hard, and never stop.

On craving change

Every time I go somewhere new, or anywhere alone, I have the urge to never go home. Whenever I am somewhere new I explore, I drive around, I take the long way, and then I try and find my way back on my own. There is so much to do and so much to see but I’ll never do it all. Time is all going by without me. Everything is happening and I can just watch and wait for my brain to wake up enough to match my desires. I have as many things to do as days in my life but I know it isn’t enough. There are feelings I want to feel and people who I want to meet, but something inside wants me to do it alone, but not alone like I don’t want my relationship or my friendships. Literally just physically alone. I only ever think about doing new things without anybody else. I don’t want anybody else to have any effect on how I experience things.

I have a fixation on The Grand Canyon. I want to take a drive to see it more than almost anything in the world. But my girlfriend doesn’t feel quite that way. She has a real fear of heights and cliffs and looking over edges of things so all those things combined don’t really make for a great Grand Canyon travelling companion.

But she likes to do things with me, she likes to go places with me. She likes to go on trips and experience the things that I want to do.

But for some reason I want to do these things alone and then come home changed and refreshed and tell her all about it.

I should probably stop putting so much pressure on random things to change me. I’m doing the same thing with The Grand Canyon as I did to moving to Vermont and maybe even moving back. I needed to move back, I needed to be home again. I expected it to change everything and of course it changed nothing. I always feel so fucked in my brain because I can’t think the things or talk about the things that will actually change me. I don’t contact my therapist when I should and instead I wait until I feel the most stable so I don’t have to talk about anything real. I love feelings. I love raw emotion and I love feeling my own emotion and my own feelings. I love crying, I love breakdowns. I love the clear exhaustion that I feel after a night of sobbing. But I hate talking about it. I hate explaining myself. If I had to put words to anything I go silent and anxious and uncomfortable. Those things have no place here, they only put burdens on the ones I love. I just have to keep looking for that next thing to change me.

To the Ones I’ve Loved before (P 4.5)

This post begins me finally beginning to get a liiiiiiitle nsfw! Now I feel like I’ve broken the seal on it and can start writing more about what I really want to!

All I knew at the beginning was that he took a hard stance against his girlfriend hooking up with anybody else. She definitely wasn’t allowed, no way, no how. Don’t look at any other girls, don’t think about any other girls, don’t think about looking at any other girls.

Until, he began to bend his rules on that. Let’s call them Anna and Luke. Anna was (still is) one of my best friends and had been since we were 12 years old. I would spend every day over those middle school summers at her house, both in her basement watching movies and in her pool getting burnt. We would fling ourselves from the pool and lay on the deck to dry off as to not face the wrath of her mother, lest we drip any water in her pristine dining room.

Luke’s upbringing was a stark contrast. His mother is loving and kind and wants only what’s best for everybody who comes into that house. She greets everybody who enters with the same love and joy and acceptance and invites you to make yourself at home. When Anna started dating Luke she spent so much time there and I admit I grew jealous. I knew that Anna and I could never have the fun, no strings attached, relationship we had shared in high school but I was so starved for acceptance and intimacy I spent all my days hoping for it anyway.

Until Easter 2013, I had resigned myself to this. But that day something happened that it turns out would change everything. Anna had invited me over to Luke’s, where she would be spending the night, to drink and watch Netflix and just engage in general debauchery. The three of us piled onto Luke’s bed in a tangle and legs and clinked bottle after bottle of Smirnoff Ice together and wasted several hours drinking and getting progressively closer and closer.

Then Luke started talking. He started asking Anna if she thought I looked pretty, and if she ever thought about kissing me. I was so drunk at this point that I hardly even realized that he was talking about me, even though my head was in Anna’s lap and Luke’s hands were running up and down my legs. I had just finally escaped from a three month long manipulative and abusive pseudo-relationship and the gentle affection was intoxicating. I hardly remember how the rest happened. Anna’s face was so close to mine and Luke had one hand wrapped in my hair and the other hand in hers. Anna whispered at the last second, “Is this okay? You can say no if you want to.” I shook my head and Luke pushed her down to meet my lips. He made a low guttural “hmm” noise as he watched us.

The rest is a real and true blur. My shirt was pulled down, and then it was pulled off. Lips were on my neck, then they weren’t, then they were different lips. Anna and I were lying on the bed, and then Luke and I were lying on the bed. Even though we were all moving together every time Luke kissed me or focused on me I felt wrong. I felt like I was betraying Anna by lying there with her boyfriend. Then Anna undid the button on my jeans and I froze. I don’t know if what happened I consider a flashback, but suddenly I had the feeling that something was going to go horribly wrong. I had fresh cuts on my legs that hadn’t quite healed yet and the trauma of the last few months flooding my vision. So I started crying, and everything stopped.

Intoxicated consent issues aside, everything stopped when I said the word. Luke jumped up and put his clothes on to get me a glass of water and Anna rubbed my back until my breathing returned to normal. Luke came back and took his spot back on the bed where his hand joined Anna’s on my back. After a bit Anna got up to get dressed and Luke pulled me into his lap like a child. He rocked me and shushed me and kept repeating over and over again “This is a safe place for you Katie, you’re safe here.” He had no idea how badly I needed to hear that.